Friday, July 24, 2009

There Was A Time...

When I was just about the cutest thing around. And round I was (WAS?) yes, now I'm more oblong. Apparently I was pretty poor back in the day. No clothes or shoes and a paper sack for a hat. But I looked happy. But my big brother loved me. Guess he didn't have any clothes either.But I had bling! And plenty of food I think. Looks like when I finally became more mobile on my own, I must have needed shoes. And since Kevin loved me so much, he loaned me some of his. And his shirt too. What a good brother. Funny, I still seem to put that foot in my mouth quite regularly .

Here I was trying out for the part in Little Orphan Annie. They said I was too well rounded for the part.
So I tried proving my versatility.I was sad, so very sad. So mom started dressing me better. She made me lots and lots of spin spin spin dresses. With lots of fluff and laces and ribbons. I was sure I was hit the big time, after all, who in the world could resist a cutie pie like me? After all, I had talent! I could dance! In flip flops even!
I'm very flexible.
I could help build the sets.
I knew my way around a photo shoot, and was a pro at making that camera love me.
And could swing with the best of them. Back when it was a good thing. I can even supply my own props.I assured them that I was was the ultimate professional.
Always arriving at the set on time. Having my own driver of course.
I even had a backup driver if needed.
Or being the modern woman I am, I could just drive myself! Then I saw it! My name up in lights! SHIRLEY TEMPLE!Damn it...dreaming again.

Friday, July 10, 2009

The Dream...(sister alert!)

I know that dreams can be really unpredictable, but mine are just totally out there sometimes. I wake up wondering where in the HELL did that come from??? What could possibly make me dream such weird things? I don't eat spicy things. I rarely drink too much of the wrong things. I'm not worrying about or dwelling on any one thing too much. Not that I realize anyway.

But the other night I have to say, whatever it was that brought this one on, I wish I could bottle it and use it nightly! I needed this dream more than anything I can think of needing or wanting. It was way better than the anti depressants I'm taking. Way better than a bottle of margaritas. Or a vacation to get away from it all. Way better than anything I can think of happening.

When Nannie died, about 23 years ago now, I use to pray nightly that I would dream about her. I missed her so much it was a almost a physical pain. And I just wanted to see her. It took a very long time, like several years, but I finally started seeing her on a pretty regular basis. At first, I was the only one in my dreams that could see her. We were always at her house of course, usually in either the kitchen or dining room. She never spoke, but I was happy just the same. All I needed was to see her, to feel her there. Eventually she started talking to me and finally the others could see her and hear her too. It was like she wasn't gone at all. Just another big gathering at Nannies house all ready and waiting to eat as always. I still love those dreams. And its still almost monthly that I get to visit with her.

And its been the same way with Sally. I've spent hours and hours begging, pleading and bargaining with God to let me dream about her. It never worked. In all these years, I have maybe dreamed of her 5 or 6 times. And the other night it finally happened...she finally talked to me. Not just a little in passing, but long conversations. I could have stayed in that dream forever. I haven't known that kind of calm and peace in a very long time.

Of course I have no remembrance of how it all started. I do remember not being surprised at seeing her. I was very happy of course, but I felt almost like I knew she was finally coming to see me. She said she only had 2 weeks to spend with me and that we should make the most of it. She wanted to take me places and show me things that I needed to see.

At one point we were sitting cross legged in a beautiful meadow just looking at the green trees and flowers and animals go on for miles. It was quiet and serene and peaceful. And as we sat there the scenery would change, like we were sitting on a turntable. And as it slowly turned we would see a new vision of something to beautiful to imagine. The meadow would turn into mountains, first green then snow covered. Then it turns to a beautiful night sky with a huge brightly lit city on the horizon. We saw the grand canyon again together. We saw the ocean, clear and blue. Always changing. It seemed like we were there forever.

I don't know what we talked about, but we talked constantly as we always did. We talked about everything and everyone. I know she told me that she was happy and that she was exactly where she always knew that she would be. And that it was beyond perfect in every way. And she couldn't wait to show it all to me one day.

I vividly remember conversations we had when we were in Arizona and Wyoming together on vacations. While standing at the edge of the grand canyon, we held hands and she prayed. She thanked God for his creations of such beauty and especially for allowing us to share them together. And in Wyoming as we stood at the shore of a frozen Lake Superior, she prayed the same thing. Then as we drove out onto that frozen a van...on ice...for 3 miles...on ice...with ice cold water beneath it...did I say on ice? She suddenly reaches for my hand and says, "If the ice broke and we went under, we would both meet Jesus together! Wouldn't that be exciting!" And as I felt her soft warm hand, and I looked at her beautiful soft smile and saw the sparkle of love for God that was always in her eyes, all I could say was "Hell NO! Are you fucking nuts?!!" I really thought she was going to pee her pants laughing. And we were both deadly serious! She went on to tell me that night as we sat in a sweet little bed and breakfast, freezing our butts off, just what she envisioned heaven to be.

The path that the angels will lead you on is stark white and smoky. And they will sing all the way. There is a beautiful golden arch with gates wide open. Through the gates the path turns to pure gold, very bright and shiny. You can hear the singing and praises to God. As you move forward you begin to see the ones you love. Everyone is there waiting for you with open arms, so very glad to see you. You know everyone and everyone knows you. And there is nothing but love and happiness. You never have to see sadness, hurt or anger ever again. There is no time for that in heaven. She assured me that all of her time would be spent singing praises to God. She knew this without even the most tiny sliver of doubt. She knew this because it was Gods promise to her. That she would have the desires of her heart. And that was the most important desire she had. She assured me more times than one, that, "One day, I will go to sleep. And when I wake I will be face to face with Jesus! And it will be the most glorious day of my life!"

And I know that without even the most tiny sliver of doubt, Sally got the desires of her heart. She told me so.